Before my eyes

The floor of the autumn forest
Originally uploaded by Sunshine follows me.

I am looking at the ground. The chill wind is blowing my hair around my face. Before my eyes, the brown leaves of the oak tree cover the grass.

I am thinking about the job interview that I will be attending later this week. I am thinking about the direction my career is taking - if it is going to go anywhere at all, if the hospital is where I am meant to be, if I will be able to continue my training. There are alot of unemployed junior doctors in the UK at the moment.

I am thinking about my parents back in Singapore and the red eyes of my mother behind the glass of the departure hall. I am thinking about my apartment here in the UK, so quiet, so cold. I am thinking about the singing of Christmas carols with my sister, only a few days ago.

I am thinking about how far away all my friends are - in Singapore or scattered around the UK. I am thinking about the isolation of winter.

Before my eyes, the brown oak leaves appear to disintegrate and dissolve, and I taste salt in my mouth.

When I was a teenager, my mind was clear and uncomplicated. Now, I find that thoughts crowd into my mind, jostling, filling up all the crannies.

I shut my eyes. Lord, grant me serenity.