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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Taking Stock

I was perusing my previous journal entries and I have realised (to my own horror) that the last time I did some good old-fashioned soul-searching was in January 2007. That is to say, I have been preoccupied with so many external issues in the last three years that I have not been able to do any introspection.

I have changed so much that I can hardly recognise the tremulous slip of a person from three years ago. The challenges I faced as a medical physician pale in comparison to the challenges I face now as a mother. I have experienced such a wide spectrum of emotions - love, elation, exultation, pride, anger, despair, fear, horror - at levels of intensity that I never knew I was capable of feeling. Stardust has the effect of bringing out the best and the worst in myself. In him, my faults are magnified and I am more aware of those aspects of my personality that require correction.

I am also more sensitive to the fact that my words and actions have an impact on Stardust and that he learns from observation. I pray for God's guidance during every hour of my life because I want to be a better person; because I want to be worthy of the honour of being a parent; because I want Stardust to be able to develop his full potential.

This year, my challenge is to balance my job as a mother with my role as a wife. I must confess that I occasionally neglect MDH, especially on those occasions when I am having Stardust-related stress (which is, well, nearly every single day). Even in the quiet time that we have together each evening, I tend to be somewhat distracted and distant.

MDH is such a long-suffering and loving man...and I think that I have been taking him for granted. Although MDH's rightful position as the Big Love Of My Life has not been usurped, I still have to find ways to tell him that he is very much loved. I do not want him ever to feel that he is in second place. In the days ahead, I hope to be able to manage my time and energy more effectively so that I can give MDH the attention that he deserves.

The past few years have been a whirlwind of activity and I have no idea what the next year will bring, but I welcome it with open arms.

Come on, 2010.




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