Young girl, don't cry

Examples of why some children cry:

1. I would never hurt my child. But I will jump out of a window into a vat of paint whilst holding him in my arms. And then I will forget his name and that he was even with me at the time. What is that creature over there? It's dripping emulsion all over me, get it away!

2. I would never hurt my child. But I will cut myself in front of her and refuse to stop even when she cries. When I lie bleeding on the floor, I will scream at her because she has called the ambulance, the little bitch. Next time, I'll make sure she isn't around.

3. I would never hurt my child. But he is a weak, sickly boy, and he needs his rest. He shouldn't be out there, in the cold wind, with all the germs and the mud and crawly things. He should be indoors, all the time, where I can keep him safe. Why don't you tell him that he shouldn't be playing so much football? Doctor, you must tell him!

4. I would never hurt my child. But she is sometimes such a horrid little girl. Look how fat she is. I can't get her to stop eating rubbish. Chips and sweets and chips and sweets all the time. I tell her the sweets aren't for her, but she eats them anyway. I just can't stop her. Can you give her something? She's so disgusting and fat. Greedy little piggy girl.

5. I would never hurt my child. I'm right there with her, making sure she doesn't get too drunk, you know. You gotta be there for your kids. I was younger than she was when I started to drink, and I turned out alright. Yeah, I let her have a spliff now and again. It makes her look cool at school and it doesn't hurt her. I'm the 3rd graders' favourite mum - they call me 'Mrs Cool'.