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Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Death and regrets

I haven't really been writing much recently.

This is because I have not really been able to process some of the events of the last few weeks.

One of my patients died - very suddenly and very horribly. And I feel very responsible for her death. At some point, when I have stopped seeing her face in my dreams, I will write about it.

But for now, I have guilt. And it plagues me.

I could not face her family. I felt compelled to write them a letter expressing my sorrows and my regrets.

Now, I wait.

11 Comments:

Anonymous Nikita said...

I don't know what happened, but I also know as a medic that for every life you lose, you've helped save so many more.

Even medics are mortal beings. Take heart and take care.

6:49 am  
Blogger Simply Me said...

Chanced on your last entry. I agree with Nikita. Yours is a tough job where you need to face life and death and pain. Not everyone can take it. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are only human.

Maybe, you should go ahead to write the letter to the family. That will allow you to express your feelings to them. It will probably make you feel a little better.

Don't bottled up your thoughts, find an outlet to express them whether it is talking to friend or blogging.

Take care

9:21 am  
Blogger ketsugi said...

Everyone makes mistakes, honey. To err is human, after all. I know it's tougher when your mistakes can cost peoples' lives, but (and I hate to sound so callous about it) that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

Romans 8:28, eh? It's not always easy to see God's hand in our lives, but He's there. So stop beating yourself up over this.

11:51 am  
Blogger angry doc said...

At least you can still feel guilt.

7:29 pm  
Blogger tscd said...

nikita: Thanks for the encouragement.

simply me: I did write a letter to the family in the end. It was very difficult, but I think they appreciated the effort although I know that nothing I can say will take away their sadness. She was quite young.

ketsugi: The problem is, I'm not entirely sure I did my best in this situation.

angry doc: I think you would too, if you were the only doctor who saw her the day before she re-presented to A&E in repiratory arrest.

1:53 am  
Blogger Surgeon in my dreams said...

We sometimes forget we are human. Even you heroes who help us when we are at our worst forget. Don't allow this (whatever it was) to remove you from the business of caring.

A "Mama's Hugs"...
Jan in SC

3:53 am  
Anonymous imp said...

you can't be responsible for every death. and you mustn't take it so personally. it'll sap you.

writing that letter is your way of making a little relief. hope you're feeling better today.

12:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Romans 8:1 - No condemnation my dear.

Tell Daddy God about it yar ? He cries too when a tear drops from your eyes. And even when you hurt inside (without showing outwardly to the people around you), He knows still .... cos He made you and made you special.

Take care. :)

W/love,
KB

3:25 pm  
Blogger angry doc said...

Guilt is self-indulgent unless you learn from it.

And if you have, then you must forgive yourself and move on.

But never forget.

3:34 pm  
Blogger tscd said...

surgeon in my dreams: Yes. But my confidence in my medical skills has been severely shaken.

imp: In some way, it has.

KB: I have told Him, but I felt very ashamed about it...so it took a while. But thanks for reminding me. I will talk to Him again.

angry doc: Never.

4:22 pm  
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2:59 pm  

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