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Friday, July 29, 2005

Training my patience

I will not strangle any of my patients or smack any of their relatives upside the head. Not even...

- The sadist in bed 5 who turns his hearing aid to the 'OFF' position whenever I walk near his bed. He nods and smiles at me, cupping his hands behind his ears whilst watching me grow purple in the face from bellowing.

- The masochist in room 2 who keeps spitting out her painkillers and then complaining that she has got 'a great big bellyache, ooh help me, doctor, help me'.

- The 12 relatives of bed 24 who keep asking me when she is going to 'grow back a new leg' (I'm sorry, but nobody can grow back a leg after it has been cut off. Yes, starfish do grow back new legs, but she's not a starfish. No, even though she used to like swimming, she's not a starfish.). Everyday. 3 times. Each.

- The young narcissist in bed 65 who keeps getting me to feel his chest to make sure it is completely flat. He's convinced that the bruises he sustained during his all-too-literal 21st birthday bash are going to make him grow breasts. Then I catch him practically giving himself a hernia trying to peer down the front of my blouse.

- The rotund man in room 15 who assures me that he is keeping to his low fat diet whilst spreading a double portion of butter on each half mouthful of toast. "I lost 5 ounces last week but this week I put on 2 pounds", he says.

I will not throttle any of them. I will have patience with my patients.
I will smile sweetly, and then go outside and bang my head repeatedly against the wall.

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6 Comments:

Blogger shrimplate said...

Throttling patients is a complete waste of time.

More are always admitted. They just keep coming, like there's no end to the number of them.

12:59 am  
Blogger wahj said...

Introduce relatives of bed 24 to bed 5. They can shout about limb regeneration into an inactive hearing aid.

Pair room 2 with room 15: bellyache with belly.

Tell Bed 65 that, unfortunately, the latest tests indicate that he is, indeed, growing breasts, and that the hospital will require him to wear a bra from now on.

= )

2:13 am  
Anonymous j. said...

haha, it sounds like you're one frustrated physician. i apologize for my whiny post on doctors, i do respect that not all of you are quacks. i've just had a few treat me is all.

2:24 am  
Blogger tscd said...

shrimplate: That's why I restrain myself.

wahj: I like the way you think. :)

j: I'd quite like to be a quack. That way, I wouldn't feel so responsible.

6:59 pm  
Blogger Tym said...

I'm not a doctor but a teacher, and frustration also makes me bang my head against the wall --- except that the kids then think it's funny instead of appreciating how deadly serious my frustration is. Gah!

12:55 am  
Blogger tscd said...

tym: can you order the kids to bang their heads against the wall?

7:59 pm  

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