No internet access!!!

BT cancelled my broadband account by accident!!! So I will be net-less for 2 weeks. Grrr.

Whisking him away

MDH is busy making raspberry smoothies in the kitchen.

Unbeknownst to him, I have booked us a very fancy room in this very fancy establishment, in order to celebrate our wedding anniversary this weekend.

Heeheehee.

Quietly

There are some evenings when it is good to be quiet and still. These are the evenings when the sun is red and low in the sky, and a warm breeze blows through the room. These are the evenings when the clouds are dark and the rain is drumming against the window. These are the evenings after a tiring day at work, after a hot shower and a tasty meal.

These are the evenings, when I am catnapping, that you are next to me on the couch reading a novel and drinking your coffee. And this is when it is good for me to be quiet and still.

In the silence of the room, I can hear you breathe, I can hear the book rustle as you turn the pages, I can hear the sofa creaking as you shift position. And I am quiet and still, with my eyes shut and my head full of dreams.

Ever so often, when we are quiet and still, I can hear you hold your breath, and I can feel you lightly touch, with one finger, you gently touch my knee or the back of my neck or my shoulder or my feet. I know that you do this because, sometimes, you just want to touch me. And I know that it makes you happy just to be able to do that. So I smile a little, just so you know that I'm happy too. I hear you breathe out, softly, easily. In this quiet and still room, I can almost hear the smile forming on your face.

And this is when time stops.

Happy Anniversary.

Where I've been

create your own visited country map

It's proper 'Resident Evil' type stuff

Aargh.

So, now we can take a pluripotent stem cell (like a bone marrow cell) and force it to develop into viable sperm. This means there is a possibility of future auto-fertilisation.

I am traumatised by this information. Traumatised.

Especially by the fact that 6 out of 7 of the lab mice involved died of horrific unidentifiable tumours. And also, by the fact that someone rich enough or powerful might be able to grow human babies this way (and what will happen to the 'failed experiments'?) - no matter what medical ethics might have to say about it.

I am traumatised.

What would Freud say?

So I'm standing in the middle of the Emergency Department of Disneyworld, holding a pot of unidentifiable liquid and three pregnancy test kits. I'm dipping the tests into the liquid the wrong way (yes, there is a wrong way to do a pregnancy test), and they all turn out positive.

Then I go outside and meet up with my two ex-boyfriends, and we line up for the trams to get into Disneyworld. One of my ex-boyfriends starts sweating and clutching his stomach, and then collapses to the floor. I pull off his shirt to examine his stomach and he's got a rip-roaring appendicitis. This is odd, because there is a scar on his stomach that clearly says he's had his appendix removed already. But the ambulance comes anyway and takes him away.

Meanwhile, the other ex-boyfriend is sulking because 5 hours have gone by and we've missed all the Disneyworld trams, and our entrance tickets have already been stamped. So I explain our situation to the concierge at the tram-desk, who issues us with new tickets, and then we take a taxi to our hotel, where I spend the rest of the day trying to stop a self-harming woman from shoving her hand into a blender.

Then, I wake up in a sweat, screaming, "Get her away from that, NOW!".

Old fashioned values

The day: Wednesday
The time: 3:47pm
The place: The UK Home Office, Croydon

A middle aged lady sits at a desk behind bulletproof glass. She wears large black-rimmed spectacles that resemble the wings of a bat. Her hair is pulled back neatly into a brown and grey bun and she has on a smart beige suit. She shuffles through a pile of documents and then taps away at her computer.

On the other side of the glass, in a chair about 1 metre away from the desk, is a diminutive figure in jeans and a pale blue tanktop. She is clutching a plastic box file with a broken lock, a book with a picture of a blue dragon on the front, and a bottle of water.

Batwings: Give me your application form, your receipts, your passport, your marriage certificate and your bank statements from the last 6 months.

TSCD: Here. (Slips them into a metal drawer ala 'Silence of the Lambs')

Batwings: (Opens metal drawer at the other end) Now, did you bring your documents supporting your application?

TSCD: Yes.

Batwings: Please arrange them into 3 separate piles from 2004, 2005 and 2006.

TSCD: Okay. (Slips them into metal drawer)

Batwings: Where are your documents from before August 2004?

TSCD: I don't have any.

Batwings: What?

TSCD: (louder) I don't have any.

Batwings: Speak up please.

TSCD: (Gets up from chair to get nearer to glass) I don't have any!

Batwings: Please sit back down in the chair.

TSCD sits down in the chair and tries to edge it towards the desk. She realises that the chair is bolted to the floor.

TSCD: (yelling) I don't have any other documents!

Batwings: You're supposed to bring proof that you and your husband have been living together.

TSCD: (yelling) I did!

Batwings: But these only date back to August 2004.

TSCD: (yelling) Well, we were only married at the end of July!

Batwings: So?

TSCD:(yelling) So I don't have any documents from before August!

Batwings: (looks suspiciously at TSCD) Is that so?

TSCD: (yelling) Well...we were only married at the end of July!

Batwings: I will have to discuss this with my supervisor.

Batwings disappears off for a few minutes, she returns with a blonde gentleman with a purple silk tie.

Purple: So you only have two years worth of documents showing that you and your husband lived together for two years.

TSCD: (yelling) We've only been married for two years!

Purple: Before that?

TSCD: (yelling) Before that I was still in medical school and he was working in Faraway Hospital.

Purple: (suspiciously) Is that so? When did you meet?

TSCD: (yelling) We met at medical school and we went to the same church together until he started work at Faraway Hospital.

Purple: (surprised) Church, huh.

Batwings: (surprised) Church, huh.

TSCD: (yelling) Church, yes. Then, I graduated and we got married.

Purple and Batwings, together: Church, huh.

TSCD: (yelling) Church, YES.

Purple and Batwings, together: Oh, I see. I get what you mean now.

TSCD: (not yelling) ....

Meals

breakfast:
chocolate chip muffin
orange juice

lunch:
noodles with spinach
blackcurrant squash

dinner:
pizza
ben and jerry's ice cream
bacardi with cranberry juice

This is a HOSPITAL

Aaargh!

Yes, I did ask you to take off your clothes. Yes, I did tell you to get on the bed.

But it was because I had to examine you, you moron!

Don't you even realise that I am wearing latex gloves for this purpose?

I am your freaking doctor, and this is a hospital. A real hospital. We provide medical services only. ONLY!!!

So, hands off, David Coppafeel.

*grumble*