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Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Entering motherhood

Young lady, listen to me.

Before you come to the A&E for Emergency treatment, please please PLEASE learn your menstrual cycle. When was your last period? One month ago? Two months ago? Six months ago? Don't tell me you can't remember and then in the same breath tell me that you have regular periods. If you've missed a period (or five as the case may be), say so.

Don't you wave your acrylic nails in my face, girl. And look at me when I talk to you. What, you got too much eye shadow on, you can't look up or something? That's right. Don't you roll your eyes at me; I'll roll your little head out the door. Now listen up.

Before you come into hospital demanding to be seen for a variety of symptoms including back pain, stomach bloating, dizziness and feeling faint, increased urinary frequency, palpitations, nausea and vomiting, recurrent headaches, lack of energy, missed periods...do your own pregnancy test. You can buy test kits over the counter at any convenience store. This might save you a long and boring trip to the hospital and you can cry and sob over the phone with your girlfriend/boyfriend/parents afterwards in the privacy of your own home, instead of being told by an unsympathetic doctor in a cold and clinical environment.

Do you mind sitting back just a little, I'm becoming overwhelmed by the scent of cigarettes and alcohol on your breath.

Oh yes, and if the doctor asks you about your sexual activity and you lie about it, only to be told later that you are pregnant, don't act all surprised and shocked. You stalk into my department wearing stiletto heels and a micromini skirt with matching micromini shirt and you expect me to believe... well, go ahead and shake your seventeen bling gold plated crucifixes at me for all I care, I'm still not going to tell the pope about the miracle of this immaculate conception.

Look, I know you're angry and upset about this new revelation, but you have no right to shout at my nurses and call them names. Stop swearing now, there are children about. Stop it now. Behave yourself, woman! Don't you throw things at the other patients!

I think you need to leave this department. Right now.

4 Comments:

Blogger ketsugi said...

They get younger and stupider every day.

11:42 pm  
Blogger Tym said...

Pardon my Hokkien, but wah lau eh.

I don't get people who lie to doctors. I mean, c'mon, your health is at stake!!

10:06 am  
Blogger jadeite said...

She doesn't sound very immaculate to me. :D

2:14 pm  
Blogger tscd said...

ketsugi: And yet they reproduce like rabbits.

tym: I guess some patients are clearly in denial. But I find that patients often lie when they want me (the doctor) to think well of them. "Yes, I exercise everyday" or "I only smoke 1 cigarette a week" are common lies I hear.

jadeite: No, she's clearly not. But I felt very sorry for her, so I made sure she had information about midwives and GPs and teenage pregnancy hotlines before kicking her out.

8:36 pm  

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