Training my patients (II)
Another trying encounter with the SSP.
It's 3:30am. I've sewn up a forehead and an elbow, given a wheezy baby some steroids and bound up a broken leg. Mrs C walks in. This is a clue - anyone who can walk into the A&E department really isn't terribly sick.
TSCD: So, what brings you here today?
Mrs C: My throat has been really sore for 2 days. I have a fever.
TSCD: (Is this an emergency?) Did you try any painkillers for that?
Mrs C: No.
TSCD: I see. Why not?
Mrs C: I was saving them.
TSCD: Saving them?
Mrs C: Yes. I was saving the painkillers for when I really need them.
TSCD: And you didn't feel you needed them now?
Mrs C: No.
TSCD: But you decided to come into hospital because of the pain.
Mrs C: Yes.
(long pause for effect, as TSCD realises she is dealing with the SSP.)
TSCD: I see. Now, I need to look at your throat, so open your mouth and say 'Ah'.
SSP: (parts lips) Oooo.
TSCD: Say 'Ah' please. AHHHH...
SSP: (teeth clenched) Ooooo.
TSCD: I can't see down your throat unless you open your mouth. Open your mouth please. Open it, please. (taps tongue depressor on SSP's teeth) OPEN!!! That's right, now say AH. AHHH.
SSP: (Opens teeth slightly) Ooooeerrrr.
(TSCD realises that drastic measures are required and shoves tongue depressor right into the mouth so that patient sticks tongue out and gags.)
SSP:AAARGHH!! (flails arms wildly)
TSCD: (ignoring protests) Good good, well done. No pus down there, tonsils not swollen, just a little inflamed. Take some soluble paracetamol, gargle it and swallow. It'll help with the pain and bring down your temperature.
SSP: No.
TSCD: No?
SSP: I don't know how to gargle.
TSCD: Okay. You can just drink it - sip it and swallow.
SSP: Can't I rinse my mouth with it and spit it out?
TSCD: No. It's not your mouth that is sore, it's your throat. You need to drink it to make it work.
SSP: But I can't gargle. I don't know how.
TSCD: That's okay, just sip it slowly and swallow. (realises maybe SSP doesn't know how to sip, either) Err...you know sipping, right?
SSP: Yeah, drink it slowly. Why can't I spit it out?
TSCD: Well, it would be better for you if you swallowed it.
SSP: Why?
TSCD: Because it would take away the pain and you wouldn't have a sore throat.
(a long pause whilst the SSP processes the information)
SSP: This is a waste of time. I could have done this at home.
TSCD: (smiles at SSP) Yes. You are absolutely right.
It's 3:30am. I've sewn up a forehead and an elbow, given a wheezy baby some steroids and bound up a broken leg. Mrs C walks in. This is a clue - anyone who can walk into the A&E department really isn't terribly sick.
TSCD: So, what brings you here today?
Mrs C: My throat has been really sore for 2 days. I have a fever.
TSCD: (Is this an emergency?) Did you try any painkillers for that?
Mrs C: No.
TSCD: I see. Why not?
Mrs C: I was saving them.
TSCD: Saving them?
Mrs C: Yes. I was saving the painkillers for when I really need them.
TSCD: And you didn't feel you needed them now?
Mrs C: No.
TSCD: But you decided to come into hospital because of the pain.
Mrs C: Yes.
(long pause for effect, as TSCD realises she is dealing with the SSP.)
TSCD: I see. Now, I need to look at your throat, so open your mouth and say 'Ah'.
SSP: (parts lips) Oooo.
TSCD: Say 'Ah' please. AHHHH...
SSP: (teeth clenched) Ooooo.
TSCD: I can't see down your throat unless you open your mouth. Open your mouth please. Open it, please. (taps tongue depressor on SSP's teeth) OPEN!!! That's right, now say AH. AHHH.
SSP: (Opens teeth slightly) Ooooeerrrr.
(TSCD realises that drastic measures are required and shoves tongue depressor right into the mouth so that patient sticks tongue out and gags.)
SSP:AAARGHH!! (flails arms wildly)
TSCD: (ignoring protests) Good good, well done. No pus down there, tonsils not swollen, just a little inflamed. Take some soluble paracetamol, gargle it and swallow. It'll help with the pain and bring down your temperature.
SSP: No.
TSCD: No?
SSP: I don't know how to gargle.
TSCD: Okay. You can just drink it - sip it and swallow.
SSP: Can't I rinse my mouth with it and spit it out?
TSCD: No. It's not your mouth that is sore, it's your throat. You need to drink it to make it work.
SSP: But I can't gargle. I don't know how.
TSCD: That's okay, just sip it slowly and swallow. (realises maybe SSP doesn't know how to sip, either) Err...you know sipping, right?
SSP: Yeah, drink it slowly. Why can't I spit it out?
TSCD: Well, it would be better for you if you swallowed it.
SSP: Why?
TSCD: Because it would take away the pain and you wouldn't have a sore throat.
(a long pause whilst the SSP processes the information)
SSP: This is a waste of time. I could have done this at home.
TSCD: (smiles at SSP) Yes. You are absolutely right.
posted by tscd at 11:16 pm
4 Comments:
nicely done. . . i wish it were so easy to turn them back on their own idiocy in all walks of life.
haha, absolutely hilarious!
Hi,
This is funny! I've been reading your post for a while, just wanna let you know that I enjoy reading your blog. :-)
fortycalibernap: I don't really think I got through to her. If it happens to her again, she'll probably come into A&E anyway - that's the problem with SSPs.
tian: yeah, it is in retrospect, but at the time I was well annoyed.
piggy: thank you! I'm very flattered.
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