I'm so glad that...

...Stardust is a good listener.

People have commented that Stardust is a well-behaved boy.  This is not to say that he is a complete angel all of the time (because he isn't!).  However, he is generally sweet-natured, polite and obedient in public.

I have found that Stardust is more likely to display 'appropriate' behaviour when we are out, if I let him know what is expected of him beforehand.  I use the word 'appropriate' very loosely, because our expectation of 'appropriate' behaviour changes depending on the situation that we are in and who we are with.

For example, when he is out with MDH at the park, he is allowed to run freely ahead of us and enjoy exploring the space.  However, when he is with his grandparents, he has to stay close to them and hold their hand as they are not able to chase after him.

I do not expect Stardust to be able to decide how he should behave depending on the situation he is in.  He is far too young to be able to make the judgement by himself.  So, I try my best to prepare him beforehand and it usually does the trick.

He is a reasonable little boy - he really listens to what I say and he tries his best to comply.  And I am so glad for that!

Susanna Wesley's Household Rule #7

Here are my thoughts on Susanna Wesley's Household Rules:

Rule #7: Give them nothing that they cry for, and only that when asked for politely.

This rule is ABSOLUTELY enforced at my house.  I absolutely detest children who act like they are the boss of the household and whine or scream for what they want.  And I blame the parents who give in to them.  Yes, it is much, much easier to give in because it will make the child shut up but it is NOT worth it.

I started teaching Stardust to say 'please' once he started to indicate what he wanted at around 5 months old.  At 5 months old, he was absolutely pre-verbal but I really did not want him to learn that he had to scream or cry before he got what he wanted, so I taught him to sign 'please' using American Sign Language.

This meant, of course, that I moved his little hand across his chest for him and said "Please, Mummy", before giving him whatever he was wanting.  After consistently helping him to sign (even for things he did not ask for, which meant that I usually held a conversation with myself viz. "Please Mummy help me into my car seat? well, of course darling, what a polite little boy you are!  Well done!"), he finally began to sign independently at around 7 months old.  Thereafter, I insisted that he sign 'please' before he received anything that he wanted.

This lasted about another 10 months, and we were doing very well...until he started talking.

Then things changed a little.

Well, when he started talking, he also started whining/shouting/demanding/screaming/crying incoherently...so although he does say 'please' when he wants something, I have to teach him that he needs to modulate his voice as well.  So, we are working on that now.  Stardust is currently aware that he needs to use his 'nice voice' and ask sweetly with a smile.  And he tries.  Very, very hard.

He still needs prompting, but I am hoping that with persistent training, he will grow up to be a polite gentleman.

Susanna Wesley's Household Rule #6

Here are my thoughts on Susanna Wesley's Household Rules:

Rule #6: Require all to be still during Family Worship.

I do not think that it is unreasonable to expect a very young child to show respect by maintaining a reverent attitude, especially during important occasions.  I do think it is unreasonable to expect a very young child under the age of 2 to uphold silence and remain seated for prolonged periods of time - fifteen to twenty minutes at the most.

For example, I expect Stardust to remain silent during prayer time, or when another person is speaking.  He is generally able to respect prayer time or wait for lull in conversation - but not always.  When he forgets himself, I have to remind him firmly of our expectations for him and he is usually obedient (emphasis on 'usually').

I have noticed, in my own church, that there are children who have been allowed the freedom to do as they will whilst they are toddlers...then they reach six or seven years of age when it is 'no longer cute' and their parents decide that it is time to impose restrictions upon them.  Naturally, they are resistant to the sudden change in rules and it is much more difficult to get them to comply.

It really all boils down to parental goals and expectations.  If you expect your child to behave in a certain way, and you wholeheartedly and consistently set upon reinforcing those behaviours, eventually your child will naturally try to meet your expectations.

Susanna Wesley's Household Rule #4

Here are my thoughts on Susanna Wesley's Household Rules:

Rule #4: Subdue self-will in a child, and those working together with God to save the child's soul.

I think this rule works in every family, regardless of religious affiliation.  It really is all about the purpose of discipline and the people who are responsible for care-giving.

The definition of 'self-will' here refers to the selfish obstinacy of following one's own desires at the expense of other people.  It is necessary to conquer and overcome one's own desires in order to be able to fit into and contribute positively to society.

Thus, the purpose of discipline should be to give children the tools that they require in order to function in society as responsible, well-adjusted and independant human beings...that is, one has to teach the child to be able to control his or her own behaviour and consider how their decisions and actions make an impact on the world around them.

It is interesting to note that Susanna Wesley does not want self-will to be completely removed from a child.  A child needs to be tamed, but not broken.  A child with no self-will at all becomes nothing more than a jellyfish.  A child who is spineless and who is not able to stand up for themselves or for the things that they believe is very prone to bullying, even as an adult.

Therefore, disciplinary methods should avoid humiliation (e.g. name-calling, allowing them to soil themselves) or public embarrassment (eg. loudly reprimanding or smacking them in front of friends) which only serves to break a child's self-confidence and spirit.

In Singapore, we would say that the child should not have to 'lose face' - they should be allowed to receive punishment with honour (i.e. in private and in a manner that is age-appropriate) and be able submit to authority with dignity (i.e. no grovelling or self-debasement).

The rule encompasses all who are involved in raising the child - that means that this rule not only applies to the primary caregivers (eg. parents, child-minders) but also applies to secondary caregivers (eg. older siblings, grandparents, educators).

Every person who is in contact with children has a responsibility towards them and must realise that their actions will make an impression.  They are required to put aside their personal agendas and co-operate with each other in order to instill in the child those core precepts that will guide him or her in the future.

Susanna Wesley's Household Rule #3

Here are my thoughts on Susanna Wesley's Household Rules:

Rule #3: They are required to take medicine without complaining.

I like the fact that Susanna Wesley specifically states that the child should not complain about having to drink bitter medicine.  There is nothing more off-putting than a whining and complaining child.  A child who sees fit to whine and complain about medicine is one who has not fully grasped the concept of what medicine is meant to do.  In short, this rule is mostly about obedience.  

Obedience is not just about carrying out an instruction, but also about the attitude in which the instruction is carried out.

I have taught Stardust that obedience is "straight away, all the way and with a happy heart".  When I discipline him, I ask him to remember what obedience means and reciting the definition helps him to keep things in perspective.

However, for a child to truly be able to obey with a happy heart, they need to know why they are required to follow that instruction.  That is, parents should be able to give some form of explanation that goes beyond "Because I said so!".

I think it is very important for children to be able to have faith in their parents - that is, children should know that parents have only their best interests at heart.  If a child is secure in that knowledge, then I think that they are more willing to cooperate.

To me, this means that parents have a responsibility to be honest and to make sure that their children are given a full briefing before asking them to participate in a new experience (especially if the experience is likely to be unpleasant).

For example, a trip to the doctor's for an injection should never be disguised as a trip to the zoo (this actually happened to a 5 year old patient of mine, and let me tell you, she was *not* amused).  If you need to do something to them which is going to hurt (e.g. removing a thorn or cleaning a wound), then it is worth telling them that it is going to be painful but that it has to be done in order for them to get better.  Lying to a child in order to coerce them will only lead them to conclude that your wheedling ways are not trustworthy, and they will be more resistant to following your instruction in the future.

Susanna Wesley's Household Rule #2

Here are my thoughts on Susanna Wesley's Household Rules:

Rule #2: As children they are to be in bed by 8 p.m.

Stardust's bedtime is around 8 to 8:30pm (although on special occasions, he is allowed to stay up past 9:30pm) and several of my peers feel that he sleeps too early.

The reason why I chose 8pm as Stardust's bedtime is I want him to have a good, long sleeptime and wake up fresh at around 7 to 7:30am in the morning.  Singapore is much cooler during the morning hours, and an early start ensures that we will have the opportunity to go outdoors for a short while before the world turns into a sauna.  Additionally, most schools in Singapore start the day as early as 7:15am, so I figured that it would be a good idea to get him into the habit of early rising, so that his mind is the most active during the morning when learning will take place.

A bedtime of 8pm also means that Stardust gets the chance to see MDH off to work in the morning as well as spend a few hours with him during the evening.

Stardust, at the moment, also takes a late afternoon siesta for an average of 2 hours between 2:30pm and 6pm (the hottest part of the day).  This gives me a chance to prepare the evening meal, as well as have an hour for myself to relax.

Since I have arrived in Singapore, I have noticed that many of the children here have very poor sleeping habits.  I have no problem with children sleeping past 8 pm, as long as they are allowed to wake up late the next day.  However, many of the school-going children here tend to sleep at around 10 or 11pm, waking up as early as 5 or 6am in order to get to school.  

I must admit that not everybody needs 10 hours of sleep in order to function, however, after talking to a few schoolteachers, many of their students fall sleep in class or appear sullen and exhausted.  I have also noticed that pre-schoolers who have poor sleep habits tend to have short attention spans and an even shorter temper.  I am very aware that if Stardust goes to bed late, the next day is a total write-off.

I think that parents underestimate the importance of a good night's rest.  The guideline for adults is an average of 8 hours sleep (that is, some people need more and others need less), but for young adults and children, an average of 12-15 hours of sleep is required (infants need much, much more - around 18 hours).

The reason why children need more sleep than adults is because sleep is essential for the growth and rejuvenation of the body - not just the skeleton and muscles, but also the immune and nervous system.  The growth hormones are preferentially secreted during sleep, and it has been suggested that deep 'REM' sleep is absolutely necessary for normal brain development, specifically memory processing and reinforcement.

Sleep deprivation or any accumulation of a sleep 'debt' results in fatigue - usually manifested in the form of 'microsleep' episodes ('nodding off' for a few seconds) and a reduced ability to control emotions. 

Therefore, a well-rested child is one who is physically fit, emotionally stable and mentally alert, ready to listen and to learn.  Susanna Wesley, unlike most of her contemporaries during the age of Querelle des Femmes, was a firm believer in education and she homeschooled all her children in the basics of reading, writing and 'rithmetic.


As one can see, the old saying, 'early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise', is quite true.

The 16 Rules of the Household

I have recently become acquainted with the "mother" of the Methodist Church, Susanna Wesley.  She was the mother of 19 children - two of whom are associated with the foundation of the Methodist Church - John and Charles Wesley.  In a time when women were illiterate, it was she who actively pursued an education and was fundamental in homeschooling her own children.

I am especially impressed with the 16 rules by which she ran her household.  Her rules reflect the belief that a self-disciplined adult must first be a parent-disciplined child. 

Susanna Wesley's 16 Household Rules

1. Eating between meals not allowed.

2. As children they are to be in bed by 8 p.m.

3. They are required to take medicine without complaining.

4. Subdue self- will in a child, and those working together with God to save the child's soul.

5. To teach a child to pray as soon as he can speak.

6. Require all to be still during Family Worship.

7. Give them nothing that they cry for, and only that when asked for politely.

8. To prevent lying, punish no fault which is first confessed and repented of.

9. Never allow a sinful act to go unpunished.

10. Never punish a child twice for a single offense.

11. Comment and reward good behavior.

12. Any attempt to please, even if poorly performed, should be commended.

13. Preserve property rights, even in smallest matters.

14. Strictly observe all promises.

15. Require no daughter to work before she can read well.

16. Teach children to fear the rod.

Over the next few weeks, I will examine each rule and see if they are still applicable in a modern context.